


I Got to Love You

by khaleesiofalicante



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M, Read at Your Own Risk, apologies in advance, i am a cold blooded killer, i don't know why i keep doing this to myself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-23
Updated: 2019-09-23
Packaged: 2020-10-26 17:07:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20745728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/khaleesiofalicante/pseuds/khaleesiofalicante
Summary: “I thought…I thought after 400 years, I would be ready. You’d think that after centuries of living, I’d be ready to let go. I thought I would get used to the idea of having to leave one day. I thought I would be more prepared when it was time.”Some pain, More pain, Additional Pain and Other pain.





	I Got to Love You

**Author's Note:**

> This was based on an angst prompt by an evil anon on tumblr 
> 
> Magnus dying before Alec - That was literally the prompt. Can you believe?
> 
> I'd like to make it clear that it was the anon who is evil, I just carried out the order. 
> 
> Happy reading :) (or not)

“It’s going to be alright. It’s going to be alright. It’s going to be alright,” the other man kept chanting.

He could hear the faint voice trying it’s best to sound confident. The voice he falls asleep to every day, the one that soothes him when he is nervous, the voice that makes his heart flutter and sing, the voice that belongs to the love of his life.

The dark blue waistcoat was drenched in blood, getting darker by the second. He looked at his own hands, a deep, dried shade of red, covered in his lover’s blood. He looked back at the man in front of him, pale and weak – and yet still ridiculously beautiful. Even now, covered in blood and barely holding on, his husband looked ridiculously beautiful.

“It’s going to be alright,” he assured him again, “Hey. Look at me. It’s going to be alright, Alexander.”

_It wasn’t supposed to be like this._

When the familiar blue magic blew past all of them and blasted the greater demon on the spot, the group had sighed in unison. The demon Abaddon had just been like any other greater demon they had faced in the past – annoyingly relentless and unbelievably powerful. But no one was more powerful than his Magnus. Once he saw the demon dissipate into the air, he had swung his bow back on his shoulders and turned around to thank his husband for saving their asses once again.

He had expected Magnus to be standing behind him in his dashing clothes with a cocky grin on his face, waiting to make a horrible pun as usual. But the other man was on the floor, clutching his chest, face contorted in pain.

“It’s going to be alright,” Magnus whispered softly once more.

Alec didn’t know who was supposed to be comforting whom in this situation. He didn’t think it would come to this. His foolish, mortal heart had hoped that the angels would be kind enough to grant them forever.

_It wasn’t supposed to be like this._

He held the other man’s hand, which was pale and cold, and squeezed it gently. The room was quiet except for his husband’s ragged breathing and his own sniffles. Their friends and family had left the two of them alone, giving them space – because they knew this would be the last time.

“Are you sure there is nothing you can do? There must be something, right? Anything!” he had frantically inquired Catarina, after she had examined her best friend.

“Alec…He is not responding to my magic or any other warlock's’. When the greater demon pierced his heart with its magic, it cursed him,” Catarina had explained, her usual unwavering confidence replaced by sorrow, “I have stabilized him with mundane medicine. But…He is not going to last long and there is nothing I can…Nothing we can do. I am really sorry.”

_No! I can't live without him!_

“Please. Please. There must be something. Can’t we summon Abaddon back? We can force him to reverse the curse. I’ll do anything. Please, Catarina. I can’t lose him.”

The nurse had sighed deeply, as if she had already considered that option.

“Magnus’ magic destroyed the demon. Abaddon is in the void and it will take time to get back to its physical body from its ethereal form. Magnus…He is not going to last that long.”

“Catarina, please!” he had begged.

“Go to him. He would want to be with you,” she had squeezed his arm and walked away quietly sobbing to herself.

He didn't want to accept this reality. He didn't want to give up on his Magnus. He had to find a way. He had to do something.

“You should tell your mom…She is right. I do like a good dramatic entrance. But it looks like I enjoy dramatic exists too,” his husband chuckled.

It was so like Magnus to make a joke at a time like this. It was so like him to hide from the pain. It was so like him to make everyone around him feel better even when he was suffering. Alec tried to laugh at the joke, but what came out was a choked sob.

“Hey, it’s going to be alright,” Magnus repeated, squeezing his hand weakly.

“You can’t die,” Alec grieved, a weak statement under current circumstances.

“I am immortal, Alexander – not invincible,” Magnus pointed out, his voice getting softer with every sentence.

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this,” Alec confessed, voicing the only thought that had been swimming around in his head for the last hour.

It was supposed to be him. He was supposed to be on the bed with wrinkled skin and gray hair, holding his husband’s ringed hand, surrounded by their children and grandchildren. He was the one who was supposed to leave. He was the one supposed to be saying his goodbye.

“No, it wasn’t supposed to be like this. But I am glad. I am glad that it is happening this way,” Magnus mentioned, his eyes closed.

“Why would you say something like that?”

“Because…You are in pain,” Magnus groaned, as if Alec was the one bleeding to death right now.

“I look at your face and I see the pain you are in right now. You are in so much pain, Alexander. If it were you here and me there…I don’t think I am strong enough. I don’t think I could survive losing you.”

He wanted to scream that he wasn’t. He wasn’t strong at all. He wasn’t strong enough to survive this.

“You are the strongest person I have met, Magnus Bane,” he claimed instead, because it was the truth.

“_Lightwood-bane_,” his husband corrected him with a soft smile, slowly wiggling his hand with the wedding band.

Alec had genuinely believed they would both have long enough to see those wedding bands fade with the years of happily married life. They would tell the story of their iconic proposal in the middle of a battle to their children.

He had genuinely believed that they would live long enough to have children of their own. But they had barely gotten a year. 

The other man giggled suddenly, which turned into a pained cough.

“What is it?” Alec fretted over his husband.

“I am married to Alec Lightwood,” Magnus recalled dreamily.

“You are,” Alec confirmed, caressing his head.

“You were almost going to get married to a _woman_!” Magnus giggled again, his brown eyes crinkling. Alec did notice a tear slipping from the corner but he did not point it out.

“I almost did. But you saved me,” Alec confessed into the other man's hair.

“No. You saved me,” his husband argued.

Magnus took hold of both his hands ignoring the blood and kissed them gently, his breath cold and lips trembling.

“You saved me. I was lost and lonely. I was withering away on my own, living a loveless life all those years. I was on the verge of forgetting what it feels like to be loved. I was beginning to accept that I might never know that feeling again. And then you walked in – my archer boy. You walked in with your heart that was…It was so full of love. Your heart is so full of love; there was more than enough to last for my immortal life. _You_ saved me.”

Alec wanted to argue. He wanted to point out that there was nothing to save. He wanted to point out that he was the lucky one in this relationship – an argument they never got to settle.

“You loved me so much. You love me so much. And you made me feel again. I never thought I’ll get to be in love again. But I got to love you. I am so lucky. I got to love Alexander Lightwood.”

“Aku cinta kamu,” Alec whispered against his husband’s wedding band.

“Your Indonesian is still shitty,” Magnus chuckled, tracing mindless patterns on his cheek with a finger.

It was. Alec had thought he would have more time to learn.

“I love you,” Alec repeated in English and Magnus broke into a sob.

His husband started to whimper and clutched at his hands desperately. 

“Magnus! Magnus, what is it? Does it hurt?”

“I just…I just realized…This is the last time I am going to hear you say those words.”

_No. never._

“Hey, look at me,” Alec said softly forcing the other man into look his eyes. “I love you, Magnus. It doesn’t matter where you are. I will say it every morning when I wake up. I will say it before I go to sleep. I am never going to stop saying it. Because I will never stop loving you.”

He moved up from the chair and sat next to his husband on the infirmary bed, cradling the other man on his chest. Despite the coldness in the room, the feeling of Magnus pressed against him…It felt warm. Magnus always made him feel warm.

They stayed like that for…minutes or hours, he didn’t know. He had stopped counting. He didn’t want to anymore.

“Alexander….”

“Yes?”

“I am scared.”

And that is what broke him.

Tears came streaming down his face, no longer having the strength to stay behind and watch.

“I thought…I thought after 400 years, I would be ready. You’d think that after centuries of living, I’d be ready to let go. I thought I would get used to the idea of having to leave one day. I thought I would be more prepared when it was time.”

Alec couldn’t see his husband like this. Everything around him was falling apart – slowly and all at once. He wanted to tell the other man that no one can be prepared for death, there was not enough time in the world to learn how to say goodbye - not when you learn to love and live like Magnus bane. 

“I don’t want to go,” Magnus confessed sobbing softly into his chest.

And there he was. His Magnus. Now that they were gripping tightly to those last few minutes, the humor and confidence had disappeared. There was nothing to hide. There was no need to pretend.

“I know I have lived centuries and been with 17,000 others…But I want you know that the time I spent I with you…They were the happiest days of my life.”

It killed him to hear Magnus talk about their relationship in the past tense. His husband let out a sharp breath, each sounded more painful than the one before.

“I hope I made you happy too. I know…I know I was an important part of your life and-”

“Magnus,” he interrupted, “You _are_ my life.”

Magnus smiled at that. It was that soft smile that lit up his entire face - the spark he fell in love with illuminating everyone and everything around him. Alec didn’t want to think about how that spark was dimming slowly, little by little.

“Kiss me. Please?” Magnus pleaded.

Alec’s body surged forward instinctively and closed the gap between them. As their lips bet, he could hear Magnus’ heart beating against him in an agonizingly slow beat. He poured everything he wanted to say into that kiss. He ignored the fact that this was the last time and focused his mind to remember every single detail. He wanted to remember what kissing Magnus feels and tastes like.

But reality caught up with him in an instant and his forced his mind to pull away. He didn’t want to remember this. He didn’t want to remember the feel of pain instead of love. He didn’t want to remember the taste of blood and salt instead of strawberry and mint. He didn’t want to remember Magnus like this.

“Alexander,” Magnus breathed against his lips, his voice barely a whisper. A tear escaped his face and landed on Magnus’ cheek when Alec realized this was the last time he would get to hear that name from those lips. He didn’t want this to be the last time.

“_Alexander_,” Magnus called out again, as if he somehow heard his thoughts.

“I always dreamed of meeting someone like you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> So, maybe don't say your thoughts this time?
> 
> Also, apparently I am a masochist!
> 
> Come shout at me on tumblr @khaleesiofalicante
> 
> Fun fact: Blood makes up around 7% of the weight of a human body.


End file.
